literature

Another Sleepless Night

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bslisted's avatar
By
Published:
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Literature Text

Another sleepless night in paradise.
In dreams, I chase mice,
Or rats...
Anything to soil this sterility.

Sometimes I dream that I'm an astronaut
As my room looks the same.
No widows; sealed door.
Outside it might be beautiful or dangerous.

Reality is the sound of disinfectant
on mop-slapped linoleum
But I'm sure that someone is dying,
Their fragile contents now on the floor.

The fluorescent's light is weak
Like noisy candle light,
But the white paint is too bright
And needs to be dulled.

Somewhere, a baby's cry
Ebbs to shallow breath,
To silent statistic.
And I feel momentary shame in my iron grip.

Sometimes, fragments slip from lips
To join me.
Their owners unconscious or uncaring
Of my fears.

"He never had a chance",
Drifts down hallways with
Other ghosts
From some central command.

People hurry like bees
To their assigned routines
But somehow slow--honey drunk
In rubber soles.

It's a consensus that winter is for dying.
I'm reminded of meat preserved in freezers,
But I decide it's the summer heat
That makes things rot.

So it's some time in May
When I speak once again.
I've found my words; Just two.
(Last Name) comma (First)
My voice, reduced to a toe-tag.
.
© 2012 - 2024 bslisted
Comments11
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LightOverpowers58's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, this poem is amazing! I found myself glancing over the words in the first stanza, an unconscious habit I have developed to combat poor writing, yet realized the words had enthralled me and I was captivated by their spell. Truly amazing work.

That said, the only true issues I can see here are:

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletblue:" title="Bullet; Blue"/> First that it seems as if you want to emphasis certain words or at least that they should be emphasized. A simple way to do that is to bold or italicize the desired word(s); keep in mind that bold seems to give off an aura of power or strength while italicized words tend to sort of flow, or float, along. Bold words also attract the readers' attention first out of a group of words and so should be used sparingly.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletpurple:" title="Bullet; Purple"/> Another concern (neither of these ^ are true problems <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt=":P" title=":P (Lick)"/>) is that every first letter of a line is capitalized. This sends a discordant feeling to the reader, causing them to read each line as an individual thought, whether they realize it or not. Therefore, the rhythm of the poem fractures and it is up to the reader to decide how the poem should be read, something that shouldn't be the case.

Your use of punctuation is excellent, as is your vocabulary, and as stated above, your imagery amazing. This poem is a work of art as are your other works as well!